The Supreme Court of India last month observed that most divorces arise from love marriages. A bench of Justices BR Gavai and Sanjay Karol, while hearing a transfer petition arising out of a matrimonial dispute, made the observation.
The Justices may not be doing justice by coming to a concluding based without any scientific evidence but they may have a point. Marriages may be made in heaven but breakups and divorces happen on earth. Amongst my friends and relatives I have observed that the success rate of arranged marriages is more than that of the so called love marriages. (The term love marriage is a misnomer here as in many cases it's a self negotiated marriage of convenience rather than any kind of real love associated with it. The usual disclaimers apply). I have seen many so called love marriages collapsing like a pack of cards, while ample of arranged marriages have succeded spectacularly.
The simple psychological equation of (Expectations - Fulfillment = Frustration) still holds good in all spheres of life, including marriages. Every human being has both good and bad sides. In love marriages, before marriage the boy and girl know the good side of each other, shadowing their bad and ugly sides during their courtship period. During the dating phase the couples know the best part of each other and rarely aware of each other's negative side. They raise the bar of expectations to a higher level. The first 100 days of marriage is the honeymoon phase of life after which familiarity breeds contempt. As the initial attraction fades away the true color comes out like crimson evening sky after the dissapearance of cloud cover. This leads to disaster in many love marriages.
However the opposite happens in case of arrange marriages when the good, bad and ugly side are known only after marriage. Expectations are low as two virtual unknowns tie their knot and the couple tend to adjust with each other as trust and care slowly builds up over time akin to a slow baked Pizza crust brings out its best taste and texture. Slow and steady wins the race. Like two sides of a coin they couple may not see each other but stick together. As usual there are exeptions to rule. Either way as William Shakespeare famously said in his "A Midsummer Night's Dream - the course of true love never did run smooth."
Nothing fascinates my American friends more than our concept of arranged marriages which they find quite intriguing and amusing. They dont use the term Love marriage like we do. I too find the term love mariage an oxymoron. In my opinion it should be rather called self arranged/ self negotiated/ post courtship marriage or whatever, but the term love marriage frankly speaking is a misnomer.
Upon queried, I have tried my best to explain by drawing a contrast between arranged and love marriages. I tell them how my own marriage was arranged. Long story short, my wife and I met for the first and only time before marriage for 25 long minutes and our marriage is now approaching 25 years, still going strong. Our dating was limited to our conversation on phone, a telephonic courtship over 10,000 miles between US and India at an exorbitant rate of nearly $1 per minute, the contemporary call rate to India. AT&T and MCI (now defunct) should have considered giving me some bonus as those 5 months between meeting my would be wife and our marriage I contributed handsomely to their coffers.
Not sure how much my American friends were thrilled at my telephonic dating story, nevertheless they found it quite amusing. One of them joked - " How can you marry someone you barely know ? Don't ya take a car for test drive before buying it ? You dont wanna buy a car just looking at it and talking to the dealer over phone". In another instance when I queried a friend why he is not yet married his response was "You don't have to keep a cow at home to get milk". Logic well made and point well taken.
However one cannot compare a car with "Yaar" (companion). Though most marriages in India are arranged and in spite of the recent spike the divorces, the rate in still low compared to the western world. This gives credence to the fact that most arrange marriages succeed. America was built from scratch, has survived many challengeing time and become an immensely successfull nation. USA has an inbuilt resilience. Similar to the United States arranged marriages are built from scratch, time tested and are successful on long run, a la "LAMBA RACE KA GHODA (Horse good for long run) - robust and resilience. Contrary to my prior belief I have seen many if not not all love marriages crumbling apart, falling like a pack of cards. Not sure my views cleared the minds about arranged marriages.
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